Do you ever feel like you’re the definition of a ‘mixed bag’? Like, your week goes by in a flash and you’ve cried, laughed, been angry, been happy, and felt #allthefeelings and you can hardly put them into words? That’s me lately. The ‘all over the place’ and the ‘all of the above’. The ‘mixed bag’.
I realize I haven’t gone very deep on here lately. It’s not intentional in the sense that I don’t want to, but it goes back to my analogies used above. Honestly, I’m not quite sure what or how to share what’s going on lately. In my faith, my marriage, my friendships, my family…. because truthfully, it feels overwhelming. And well, that’s because it is. And sometimes I can’t share everything about my personal life on here. Out of respect for my husband, my family, my own self. There are boundaries, of course, that I need to keep in tact. But if I could sum everything up with you here today, I would keep it at: life is overwhelming.
Perhaps, if I were to sum up the last 2 years of my life, I would use the same phrase. And not because everything that has happened has been overwhelming in a bad way (falling in love and getting married is overwhelming in a good way, of course!), but overwhelming in its purest definition: very great in amount. It’s just been A LOT. And sometimes, I let it all get to me, and then wrestle with God.
I’ve found myself asking God a lot lately, “Lord, can’t we just catch a break?” And guess what? I’m pretty sure God shoots me back the eye roll emoji. Out of love, of course. But essentially, in my state of overwhelmingness…. I find that when I turn to that question, it’s actually quite belittling to God. Because when I ask that, I’m really not trusting Him. His plan, His word, His love for me. I’m taking my plan into consideration above His. I think my plan is better, greater, more important… than GOD and HIS plan for me and my life. Now that deserves about a million eye roll emojis, does it not?
But yet, I still ask the same darn question. Every day. Because I’m sinful. And selfish. And self-seeking and self-centered. I struggle deeply with surrendering my life to God, humbling myself before Him. And guess what? When I do that, I then struggle with submitting myself to my husband. To compromising within our marriage. And guess what again? I then shut myself off in friendships, and with others near and close to my heart. Are we seeing my vicious cycle unfold? It all starts unraveling the moment I put myself before my Savior. So no wonder I would end up a mixed bag, right?
The verse above has been the background on my phone for the past few weeks. I read it about a gazillion times a day, but today I’m letting it sink it. I’m dissecting it and applying it to my mixed bag life right now. And honestly, it’s acting as my quiet time this morning. So, here it goes:
My soul WAITS.
I hate waiting, Lord. I’m not patient. You know this! So why must I wait? But Lord, I know your hand is in the struggle. I know you’re waiting alongside me. Holding my hand and calming my anxious leg twitch.
The Lord is my HELP.
Lord, why don’t I come to you asking for help, instead of asking for a break? Lord, I need your help. For I can’t do this without you.
The Lord is my SHIELD.
Maybe waiting and feeling like a mixed bag IS overwhelming. It IS too much. But praise You, Jesus. For you always protect me with your shield, even when I don’t see it nor trust that it’s there.
May your KINDNESS, Oh Lord, be upon me.
Lord, why do I forget that you are kind? That you love me so much that even amidst the darkest of times, you are kind to me. Your plan is so much bigger than mine, and it is filled with kindness to my soul. And Lord, remind me that your ultimate plan is so much more than my moment here on earth. That your plan of kindness extends to the Heavens, because you gave me eternal life with your Son Jesus. Thank you, Lord.
Oh Lord, be upon me. For I (need to) put my HOPE in You.
Lord, instill in me the greatest hope of all. A hope that does not shake or waiver for it is firm and strong in You. Lord God, remind me that hope is essential to my faith. That for without it, I’m walking blindly. But you, Oh God, give me hope beyond the worries of my life today, tomorrow, and the next day.
Can you relate? We’re all overwhelmed, aren’t we. No matter what is happening in our lives, sometimes it can just plain feel like too much. Like we’re waiting to catch our “break”. We’re ready to have a season of light-hearted fun. We want to buy into the facade of a summer commercial for Target where everyone is just running around having the best time of their lives eating hot dogs at a BBQ. I can’t tell you how much I want that. But gosh, we’re just not promised it, are we? Our world is sinful and scary. It is quite possible that we could walk through our entire lives through season after season of pain. We could ask God painful questions of “what if” and “why” and “when” all day. But, we may never get the answers. And really, would be want to know the answers to them? I don’t think so.
We’re not always supposed to know for a reason. We look back and reflect on how things in our lives unfold and we’re constantly in awe of how His plan always comes together. But when we’re in the thick of it, we can’t seem to remember that. But take heart, sweet souls. His plan will unfold in our lives. Our mixed bags WILL be revealed. Whether it’s today, tomorrow, in 3 weeks, in 40 years, or… in heaven. And until then, He is with us in the messy and the overwhelmed.
Praying for you, readers. To hear my words as honest and true, and that they would resonate.
Wishing you the happiest of weekends, no matter what is going on. Also, wishing you get a hot dog, too.